Thoughts and Feelings

Get Your Hands Off Me

2010-02-28T22:25:00.000-08:00

In January, my boss announced that blogging was going to be added to our job description. Initially this frightened me, as the majority of writing I've done in a professional setting involves things like helping people pick cat furniture. Eventually I accepted the idea, though, and wrote a total of four blogs, at which point my boss revealed that the company was having trouble with its publishing platform. This means that the blogs I wrote may or may not be used. The first blog I wrote is sort of time-sensitive, so I figured I'd post it here before it goes even more rancid than it already is. Of course, if my work blog ever comes into being, I'll take this down and direct you to it and the pieces that follow it. It isn't much, but feel free to take a look:

I like to think my time is valuable, which is why I spend the majority of my conscious, non-working hours listening to music, playing video games and watching TV and movies. In between these activities, I read about these activities on the Internet. While people such as my father and the rest of productive society might frown on this behavior, I feel like I'm getting my money's worth out of my time, as I waste it wisely. Several hours spent on a bad video game? That's just plain irresponsible. Several hours spent on a great one? Unproductiveness has never felt so fruitful. Throw in some good music and possibly a worthwhile movie and you have an entertainment regimen worth sitting for.

My hope for this blog is to help others to become as efficient at entertainment consumption as I am, because though I might not do many things well, I do an incredible job of enjoying myself. I'll do my best to encourage and inspire you to do the same by making suggestions, reporting news and pointing out trends, all while struggling to fight of my greatest talent: sounding like a jerk.

Speaking of hot trends, I thought it might be a good idea, seeing as we've now made it out of 2009's death grip, to highlight one of the year's most defining musical trends. By my estimation, music from 2009 will be remembered for one thing and one thing only: musicians' love of touching their faces. Album art featuring the undeniable bond between artists' faces and their hands was everywhere in 2009.

Take Scottish singer, inspiration and worldwide email forward star, Susan Boyle, for example. Prior to her debut album I Dreamed A Dream, everyone knew Boyle's face, but we didn't know her hands. Now we know both, and what a combo it is. Personally, I've long wondered what Susan Boyle would look like if I took her to the local children's photo studio for a session. You could say that I dreamed a dream, and Susan made it a reality:

Susan Boyle wasn't the only reality show contestant that loved touching her face in 2009. American Idol runner-up Adam Lambert has never been one to disappoint our expectations, and so it was no surprise when he released For Your Entertainment with the glove-to-face glamour shot everyone knew was coming. The album art seems to indicate Lambert's cosmic crisis, or at the very least, cosmic migraine:

Rihanna had a turbulent 2009, but her choice to follow the supreme hands-to-face movement for her Rated R cover brought the R&B world to its knees. The art may only show half of Rihanna's visage, but the album, I imagine, shows that she's still all girl.
No one can say for sure what musical trends 2010 will bring, but I can say for certain that the year will demand that at least three artists wash their faces. Who knows where those hands have been.

Worst Album Art of 2009

2010-01-04T00:08:00.000-08:00

Someday, a powerful alien race is going to land on Earth and begin systematically annihilating all human life. When we cry for an explanation, our cruel overlords will smugly hold up this album art and all we'll be able to do is nod, half-smile, and say, "Can't argue with you there."

Wooves

2009-11-22T00:21:00.000-08:00

Generous Dump

2009-11-05T22:38:00.000-08:00

Stacy Kratz, the woman who ties with all of the other food critics in Salt Lake as the worst food critic in Salt Lake, strikes again:

"Our bacon-loving 9-year-old — she dressed as bacon for Halloween, no kidding — had the bacon Philly, in which a generous dump of chopped, chewy bacon replaced the onions."

Just Look at this Douchebag

2009-11-05T10:07:00.000-08:00

This is what you're supporting when you're falling asleep at the wheel to that Grizzly Bear band.

Blackface is the New Black

2009-11-01T19:26:00.000-08:00

It's amazing the places you end up after clicking on the photos of friends uploaded by a strangers on Facebook. In this case, I clicked on the photo of a friend looking a bit dumb in a Halloween costume, and several photos later, I was looking at these sharp young racists in Provo, Utah. Facebook helped me learn that one of them is Devin Wahlstrom, a BYU student who will graduate next year. With any luck, Devin will go on to use his degree for the greater good, such as opening a chain of those minstrel shows that seem to be so hip with today's youth.

A Truly Unique Event I Noticed Unfolding On the Internet

2009-10-28T22:11:00.000-07:00

Trucks are serious business :

Choco Cross

2009-10-06T21:44:00.001-07:00

Essential for warding off diabetic vampires.

Can't Help Myself

2009-09-04T10:05:00.001-07:00

We watched the deliciously insensitive, dazzlingly terrible musical Flower Drum Song in one of my classes earlier this week and from the moment it began, I knew it would be ideal for this GIF treatment:

The GIF That Keeps On Giving

2009-09-03T16:01:00.000-07:00

I posted these to my Twitter account a few days ago, but I couldn't let them just rot there. I made them after learning of Three Frames, a great blog.

From THE BOX:

From THE STEPFATHER:

From NINE:

From LEGION:

About Me!

2009-07-23T15:39:00.000-07:00

1. Name three types of people who should qualify for forced labor camps:

-Artificial sweetener conspiracy theorists
-Slick types who live every moment like it's a stand-up comedy routine
-Alarm salesmen

2. What was the last thing you ate?

A vegetarian gyro from Dask's Greek restaurant, which is just a salad in a pita. I used to order their vegan gyro, which I ate about fifteen times before realizing I hated it. Too much hummus.

3. What’s a goal you have?

I’d like to visit an operational prison, because I recently realized that unless something goes terribly, terribly wrong in the next 90 years (my healthy living means I'll be rewarded with a long, rewarding life), I won't have a chance to enter one unless I do so deliberately.

5. How do you want to die?

I’d like my mother to accidentally back over me in the driveway and not realize it until she gets back from the grocery store. I then want to be buried in a cardboard box in the backyard.

6. What is your favorite vacation/get-away spot? Where will you be traveling next?

I don't think I have a favorite place to visit, but I really enjoyed Boston on a recent trip. Soon I'll be going to my least favorite city, Las Vegas.

7. How do you pronounce “gyro?”

I eat a yee-ro, I fly a jy-ro copter.

8. What have you found entertaining lately?

I’m really enjoying the accidental use of commas instead of periods to end sentences. There’s something about it that I find very funny,

9. Do you follow any blogs of nondescript people who you don't know? Why do you follow those blogs?

I'll occasionally stumble onto one of those atrocious blogs that chronicles the trips to the Cheesecake Factory by some pinhead wife and her jerk husband , and I won't be able to pull my eyes away from it. I try to avoid them, however, as it's all just incredibly depressing.

10. What would you use a time machine for?

I would travel to the past and beat me up countless times. I can also think of hundreds of situations where I’d threaten me with a handgun. I might also reassure me about my plan to not open a string of Blockbuster franchises.

11. What is your favorite restaurant?

Chunga's, which is a taco restaurant located on 2nd south and 900 west, Salt Lake City, Utah. They also have a location in Provo, Utah. Order the tacos al pastor and put away that noose, for goodness sake.

12. What actors should be barred from acting?

Michael Cera and Rainn Wilson should all be thrown from a seaside cliff to have their brains dashed on the rocks.

13. What’s the last book you read?

They Shoot Horses, Don’t They?. I’m now slowly reading Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrell (fantastical!) as well as How I Conquered Your Planet (humorous!).

14. What’s the last movie you enjoyed?

I re-watched Zodiac a week or so ago. What a picture. I also loved Obsessed for different reasons.

15. Reveal something that really bothers you.

It really bothers me when people defend a movie as awful as Transformers by saying “well, it’s not supposed to be an art film.” Of course it’s not, but that doesn’t mean the diarrhea has to boil so hot that it singes my eyebrows.

16. What will it say on your gravestone?

“Badgers scared the shit out of him" in a striking, italicized cursive font.

17. Put your iPod on shuffle and list the first three songs that come up, then explain yourself:

Yeah Yeah Yeahs- "Little Shadow": That's a nice song. I prefer the acoustic version, as it's a bit livelier.

Maxine Nightingale- "Right Back Where We Started From": This came on at an earsplitting volume, which makes me mad. I can't stay angry with Maxine, though, because this song, to use Ms. Nightingale's words, puts the smile back on my face. When Maxine breaks it down, I break down from the pure pleasure of it all. A must for any iPod.

The Clean- "Thumbs Off": This band was recommended to me a while ago, and I couldn't be happier about it. Catchy music without any idiotic gimmicks or slippery tricks. If you don't have their anthology, track down a copy and don't look back.

18. What is the biggest mistake you have ever made?

I should have married you when I had the chance.

19. What kind of toppings do you generally request for your pizza?

As long as things don't get overly meaty, I'm generally not too picky. Just keep your alfredo sauce the hell away from me. Oh, broccoli can be delicious on a pizza.

20. Who/what would you love to have complete control over?

My body. If I had complete control over my body, I'd finally have the waist I've longed for since I saw The Secret Life of Mary Margaret: Portrait of a Bulimic.

21. What does your ideal Saturday consist of?

First, I like to wake up after 9 am and eat a waffle or two. After that, I like to get ready. Then I like to do whatever I please, ranging from playing Nintendo to taking a walk to get a soda pop to going to some kind of store. In the evening, I appreciate spending time with friends.

Really though, as long as my father doesn't pressure me into picking up rocks or running one of his terrible pieces of machinery in our dirt patch of a yard, I will be thrilled with anything that happens on a Saturday.

22. What is one skill you lack completely but wish you could master with the snap of your fingers?

Tap dancing, so I could continue snapping my fingers even after I had my new skill.

23. What's something you live in constant fear of?

Having someone show me a clip of Family Guy on Youtube. I'm not strong enough to pretend to be entertained.

24. What was the first album you listened to non-stop, over and over again?

Weezer's first album. In the 9th grade, I'd enjoy Wave Race 64 while that album played on repeat. This prepared me for my future of listening to other albums while completing other tasks.

25. Have you ever seen a live, wild rat? How about a dead one?

I've seen plenty in the city and I've seen plenty in the forest, but I haven't seen nearly enough in the grave.

26. What thing have you most aggressively promoted?

The Tacos Nacos restaurant. I did everything I could to promote it, and then it closed down. I'm not sure what this says about my ability to influence public opinion.

27. Is there a band or musical trend you would love to see erased completely?

Adult contemporary artists that masquerade as credible by growing beards, such as Bon Iver and Iron and Wine.

28. If you had to describe yourself using 3 words, what would they be?

Valiant, prudent, and perfectly toned thighs

29. Where is the last place that you'd see yourself living?

East Harlem is the last place I saw myself living, and it's the last place I will see myself living. If the rest of the planet is submerged in water and East Harlem is the last remaining dry land, I will either spend more time jet skiing or just drown.

30. What was the last video you enjoyed on the internet?
Jordan introduced me to Judi Sheppard Misset, who stars in this video. Watch it, Kareem!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GQOhztgdvsE&feature=related

31. What is your favorite smoothie combination?

I like some combination of berries and plain yogurt, or peaches and plain yogurt. Nothing too sweet, please, and no sherbet, either.

32. What is the worst thing that has ever happened to your car?

I remember a lot of bad things happening to my Acura Legend, but I did nothing to repair them. That car was a deathtrap. An incredibly luxurious deathtrap.

33. What album have you been listening to most?

Devo's New Traditionalists and Fiery Furnaces' I'm Going Away

34. What clues you into a person's idiocy?

Hearing a person say things like "I want some of the stuff YOU'RE smoking!" is enough for me to cut off all communication from that person.

35. What is your favorite store to wander through?

Any grocery store that's open late. Late-night Wal-Mart has some sort of mysterious draw for me, even if I have no need to buy anything. I imagine it's either the opulent atmosphere or my subconscious desire to live the life of a meth addict.

Why don't you fill this survey out for yourself?

Credit to Greg Dearing, Jordan Smith, and Cassidy Willhite for their help creating this beautiful survey. The internet thanks you, I thank you.

Oh Kathie Lee, You Card!

2009-06-12T12:11:00.000-07:00

Everything is Terrible continues to bring the hits:

I Really Hate This

2009-04-28T19:19:00.000-07:00

Facebook tried to sell me on this diseased carcass of a website. Everyone involved should be ashamed. Awkward tees? Random!

And while I'm typing, I should mention how tired I am of musicians attempting to give their music a sense of WHIMSY and QUIRKINESS. Get a life, you pinheads.

Church Lady's Top Ten

2009-04-25T13:23:00.001-07:00

The very short-lived Dana Carvey Show has appeared over on the Hulu, and last night I spent some of my time enjoying it. The writing staff of the show was absurd (Stephen Colbert, Charlie Kaufman, Steve Carell, Louis C.K., etc.), and so it should come as no surprise that wonderful things like this came out of it:

Crazy in Love

2009-04-20T19:05:00.000-07:00

This Obsessed picture looks like cinematic diarrhynamite. I've got to see it if only for the fact that it bears a striking resemblance to the time I totally fell for my Best Buy manager. Here's to the dollar theaters in June:

I Feel Very Sad

2009-03-27T08:46:00.000-07:00

I want to cry. Again.

My sister found out earlier this week that my favorite restaurant, Tacos Nacos, shut down without warning over the weekend. She waited to reveal this knowing what a nightmare this would be for me, and she was right. I feel awful. What a terrible, terrible loss for all of us. Tacos provided terrific food at affordable prices in a clean atmosphere, a combination most taquerias struggle with. Sam Campos, the fantastic man who own(s/ed?) the place with his wonderful wife Aide, mentioned in an email to my sister that there's a chance of another opening, but he was extremely vague. I'm hoping to hear back from him soon, because I feel like someone died. This whole thing comes as a major shock, as they've been getting some great press and I felt like their business was buzzing along. I pray things work out for the best, I can barely imagine a life without Tacos Nacos.

I'm willing to do anything to get these folks back in business, so if I ask you to participate in a bikini carwash, I hope you'll heed the call.

This Makes My Blog Look Productive

2009-03-27T08:33:00.001-07:00

I've posted this elsewhere on the internet, but putting it here makes me look like a more industrious blogger than I actually am. If only I had remembered to include more words dealing with sex and celebrity names to drive the site traffic my advertisers demand. Maybe some other time.

Are you happy with your given name? I'm completely satisfied with it outside of having to spell it to everyone I meet.

What is your guaranteed weeping movie? I've never wept during a movie, but I'm open to the idea. I do come close to weeping whenever I watch the series finale of Freaks and Geeks, if that counts. Also, there was a moment in Wall-E that I had tears in my eyes.

What is the one thing you like to do alone? In addition to bathing and using the restroom, I also don't mind going on a vacation alone. When you travel alone, you're the king of the day every day. The only person you have to worry about pleasing is yourself, so you can really go wild.

What’s a major fear or yours? Lifting my head quickly and having a nail go through my skull has been a major fear for a long time. Whenever I drive I fear that I'll be rear-ended while itching my eye and gouge it out.

Are you a pyromaniac? No. I can barely light the candles on a cake without burning myself.

Do you know anyone famous? I know enough important people to make your head spin. I live an important, exciting life, and so naturally I surround myself with interesting, dynamic, famous personalities.

Describe your bed. It's two rubber rectangles full of air. Every night is a camping trip.

What type of character would you play in a movie? Just like a way sweet, really nice guy who tries his hardest.

What do you carry with you at all times? Wallet, keys, chapstick, phone, regret

How do you eat an apple? I'm sure I'd be happy with an apple prepared in any style.

Do you prefer to stand out or blend in? I try to not be seen at all, unless I'm starved for attention. I'm the middle child, so I'm willing to threaten the life of a small baby to get people to look at me.

What kind of first impression do you think you give people? Most people think that I have an issue with them.

Favorite communication method? Anything that doesn't involve speaking on the telephone.

What is your hidden talent? I try to broadcast my many talents as loudly as possible, so I can't say I have any hidden ones. I am a fairly proficient typist.

Do you own a Bible? I own a Bible, but I've never really read it outside of Genesis and Job.

How many drinks before you’re tipsy? I don't know, but I imagine just holding a drink would get me plastered.

Do you have a problem changing clothes in front of friends? I have a problem changing clothes in front of everyone and anyone. I can barely be around myself when I'm changing.

What should you be doing instead of this? I actually don't know. Gazing at the internet, perhaps.
Who was the last person who called you? My mother.

Are you ready? Great question. I always try to be ready for what comes next.

What is the last gift you gave someone? I chipped in a few dollars for my friend Derek's birthday present which was a Noby Noby Boy t-shirt and a copy of The Shining. I'm afraid he threw both of them away.

Does everything happen for a reason? Everything happens for a reason because life is really this amazing, wonderful thing. When one door shuts, another opens. Incredible.

What is your biggest headache lately? Being the victim of my roommates' alarm clock snooze buttons. I no longer have a reason to set my own alarm.

What color is your bedroom? Stark white. One wall is brick.

Do you consider yourself to be a nice person? I try my very hardest. If I've offended you in any way, I probably meant to.

Have you ever pierced your own body part or that of someone else? In the 9th grade I ran my own personal ear piercing studio in the girl's bathroom. I charged each teen a $3 fee, iced their ears, and got to work.

What kind of watch do you wear? The brand is HOOPS. It's white and I had a co-worker describe it as astronaut-like, which I thought was fitting.

What’s one car you will never buy? Any car that makes me look like a magnificent douche, such as a flashy sports car or a giant truck with those plastic testicles hanging from the hitch.

How many online journals do you read daily? Four? Five? I can't say. I'm on the internet a lot.

Do you cry in front of your friends? It depends on if they're hurting my feelings.

Would you die to save the life of someone you dearly love? What's in it for me?

Do you have any married friends? Several. Soon enough all my friends will be married friends and I'm going to be a lonely, miserable single.

Do you like thunderstorms? As long as they aren't disrupting my sleep, I think they're fine.

What was your first job? My first official job not being a janitor at my dad's business was as a sandwich maker for Schlotzsky's Deli in the 9th grade.

What was the last thing you typed before this survey? The last thing I typed was probably an internet address, or what those in the know would refer to as a "URL."

Who was your last IM to? My kid sister.

Favorite word lately? The combination of unique and technique. Unique technique.

What’s the strangest thing that’s happened to you in the past week? I saw Angela Lansbury in the flesh. I've been making fun of her for years and years, and all of a sudden I'm seated just feet from her. It was surreal.

You have a crush, don’t you? It looks like you've already got a good idea of whether or not I have a crush, survey!

Who? not telling <3 style="font-weight: bold;">What is the little physical habit that gives away your insecure moments? My legs shake uncontrollably. I also answer questions too quickly when I'm nervous, which leads to me being even more nervous.

Do you talk a lot? For the most part, I only speak when spoken to. I try not to bother people.

What do you typically order at a bar? Get a glass of water in me and I'm ready to party!

Name ONE trait you hate in a person. Being a complete slob.

Favorite writing utensil? Pens. Using pencils makes me cold.

What’s one thing you’re a loser at? Shooting a basketball. I'm a complete loser at shooting a basketball.

Do you like the rain? I can't believe there are two idiotic "do you like the rain~~~~"-type questions here. I refuse to answer.

Who was the last person you talked to in person? My boss Eric, who is blessing my life with a sandwich.

What are your plans for the weekend? Nothing. I have two books I would like to read more of, there's a game tape I can't stop playing called Henry Hatsworth, and maybe I'll see a matinee movie on Saturday morning.

How much money would it take for you to give up the internet for a year? Enough to pay for my time to be occupied by something equally exciting. Let's say $50,000.

Where’s your ideal marriage location? Live television.

What do you cook the best? I'm very good at frying eggs. I'm also excellent at imagining I could cook a variety of other things.

What kind of books do you like to read? I can enjoy a variety of books. Funny books are enjoyable, but I have a hard time finding many of them.

If you win the lottery, what would you like to do? I'd either put it all in a savings account or blow it completely on reconstructive surgery and spend the rest of my life looking striking while living beneath an overpass.

If you don’t like a person, how do you show it? I punch them in the chest.

How long have you known your best friend? Over a week now.

What are you listening to? The ambient noise of an office. As far as music, I've been listening to the album called Help by the band called Thee Oh Sees. It's really doing something for me.

What was the last thing you laughed at? A conversation I overheard about someone on the news calling a group of people boobs.

What do you wish you were doing right now? The list goes on and on. I'd love to be sitting in the back of a car drinking from a 83-ounce soda and eating a candy piece while heading to a vacation destination. I would also love to be eating a taco from Tacos Nacos, located at 33 East 11400 South, Sandy, Utah. In the same parking lot as Best Buy.

What musical instrument do you wish you could play? Guitar, piano, ukulele, drum, harp, any instrument would do me just fine.

What’s the funniest experience you ever had at your job? At my current job? At my current job I thought it was quite funny to interact with professional teen actors. They were largely what you'd expect teen actors to be. If we're talking complete job history, at my Kneaders Bakery job I was called into the police station to be questioned about burglarizing the joint, which I thought was sort of funny.

If you could speak any language, which language would you speak? While Japanese or French would be nice, I think I'd really love to be able to speak Spanish.

What fingers did you use to answer this… RIGHT NOW? The same fingers I used to type the rest of this, dammit.

Are you going to save your results? What am I being asked here?

Get a Taste of the Good Life

2009-03-25T07:45:00.000-07:00

I think it's time we all came to terms with reality: a few of us are going to live moderately successful lives, some of us will fall into abject poverty, and I'll be lucky to keep a bedroom in my parents' home another twenty years before choking to death on a Bit O'Honey at 44. As terrible as that may seem, it doesn't mean we can't get in on some of the fun experienced by those more fortunate than us. Many would kill for a taste of the good life, but with my advice, such extreme measures won't be necessary. The secret to a glimpse of the wild world of wealth lived in every day by celebrities, business tycoons, and people with really rich parents is simple: think small. Of course you'll never find yourself zipping through the Carribbean on your private yacht, directing your driver from the backseat of a Bentley, or paying full price for cereal at the grocer. There are innumerable activities that rich folks do all the time that you can take pleasure in, however, and with a bit of elbow grease and down home ingenuity, you too can experience these things. This list will get you started:

1. Drink a glass of milk

Virtually everyone drinks milk-- usually on a daily basis. People wealthy enough to wear turtle neck leotards drink milk. Rich ladies with equally rich abusive boyfriends drink milk. Even this dickwad drinks milk, and I have to imagine he's got money; you wouldn't catch me posing like that in shoulder pads unless I made millions a year (well, yes you would, but I think you know what I'm getting at). The list of affluent milk drinkers goes on and on, which makes drinking a glass of milk a great beginning to sampling the good life. Simply get a cup or glass that isn't paper or dirty, fill it with as much milk as you please(full-fat if you want to know what it's like for the moneyed obese, skim if you crave the experience of the slender members of the leisure class), close your eyes, and consume. Voila, you're enjoying the same thing this guy does daily, and you didn't have to do a Christopher Reeve impression to get it. If you're feeling adventurous, mix it up with a bit of soy milk. I have to imagine a lot of well-to-doers drink this dairy-free alternative-- they have the expensive education it takes to show animals true compassion.

2. Jump on a trampoline

A few years ago I noticed something peculiar while watching one of those Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous ripoffs on VH1. The home of a young, successful rapper was being profiled, and among the dozen or so Escalades constructed from priceless crystal, the hovering swimming pool, and the dollar bills clogging the rain gutters, the program set aside time to reveal that this musician had his very own "personal trampoline!!!" Naturally I was a bit surprised at this detail, as I was raised to believe that every third suburban home had one of these toys in its backyard. Unfortunately, the show never explained why owning a trampoline was a sign of opulence, opting to cover the roof thatched from the shimmering hair of lesser citizens or what have you, but it did give me hope: I could enjoy something that many believe to be unattainable without a Top 40 hit. And so can you. If you don't own one of these delightful jumping apparatuses, walk next door, politely ask permission, and get jumping. Do a flip! Fly into the air! Giggle incessantly! Just remember to close your eyes and imagine you're surrounded by acres and acres of beautifully manicured landscaping, and once again, a taste of the good life.

3. Sleep in late

This one can be tricky. Waking up every morning to work for an average wage may have trained your body to avoid sleeping past noon, but if you can put aside the concerns that result from not having a staff of servants and personal assistants, you may be able to feel the luxurious treat of sleeping well into the early evening. To achieve this experience, you must first stay up to early dawn, preferably at a wild party or a raucous, chic club, (playing Nintendo or gazing at the internet for hours and hours will work as well). Next, to avoid the nuissance of accidentally waking up at a responsible hour, take a sleeping aid. For the average upscale experience a pill or two will work, or if you're feeling like a Lohan-level glamor sleepscapade, dab a bit of chloroform under your nose and chase a few shots of whiskey with a glass of warm milk. This experience will vary from person to person depending on the quality of your bed and the thread count of your sheets, but when executed successfully, nothing will bring you closer to basking in the warmth of wealth like dreaming at 2 pm.

What a Terrible Hostess

2009-03-22T19:06:00.000-07:00

I want to make this very clear to you, Martha Stewart: When you don't choose my question for your "Ask Martha" segment, you will face the consequences, which appear here in the form of two unflattering photos I was able to snap of you (it wasn't hard!). You crossed the wrong person, Stewart. Consider yourself ruined. I'll find another entertainment guru to tell me a delicious dessert I can make in a jiffy:

Another Person I Can't Stand Looking At

2009-03-17T06:54:00.000-07:00

Will Oldham, also known as Bonnie "Prince" Billy, has a look that makes me want to slug him in the back of the head.

Economy Candy Market

2009-03-14T15:05:00.000-07:00

On a recent Saturday I took myself to the Economy Candy Market. Sweets line the walls from the ceiling to the floor; I nearly caught diabetes just walking through the front door. Let's go on a photographic journey of my visit:

Like many New York businesses, Economy Candy Market is cash only. Inexcusable.
UPDATE: I was misinformed, as the market takes all major credit cards. Bless their hearts.

Mild-mannered office worker by week, raging tourist by weekend. In your face, locals.

The only thing more delicious than Peeps and candy cigarettes is Peeps and real cigarettes. Just imagine the smooth flavor of your favorite tobacco with the twist of fluffy corn syrup. We can have Easter every day!

I hate lollipops, but I love candy stores that at least have the courtesy to offer them to me.

Occasionally you want your appetite ruined before you even try your sweet.

The market sells t-shirts that celebrate the joy of candy. I might get one.

After my candy time, I paid Circuit City one final visit and found out why they went bankrupt. Apparently someone accidentally marked ∞ instead of "8" on the order form for Hancock DVDs. The same thing happened to me with a Girl Scout and Samoas a few years back. It'll get you every time:

I Personally Have Been On Two Trips

2009-03-12T14:31:00.000-07:00

Everything is Terrible showed me this video. Vegas has never had better representatives:

Oh Look

2009-03-11T08:21:00.000-07:00

Washington, D.C.: Another Time, Another Era!

There's something that's a bit surreal about seeing these color photos of America in the 30s. Why don't you take a look?

You can also see some great ones of 1910-15 Russia here, and some of World War I here.

If this is boring to you, I would suggest not thinking about it anymore.

Somebody Get Shyamalan On the Phone

2009-03-10T17:28:00.000-07:00

What is this ad trying to tell us? Is the Quaker Man the member of some benevolent alien race with a stake in mankind's success? Such a twist would explain the deliciousness of Honey Graham Oh's, I guess.

A True Honor

2009-02-28T09:44:00.000-08:00

I'm now prepared to name East Harlem the women-with-mustaches capital of the United States. I'd like to say of the world, but I have to imagine that somewhere in eastern Europe they have it beat. Still, it's an achievement. These aren't "oh, I wonder if that poor lady has noticed the bit of hair above her lip"-style mustaches, they are full-on, 70s porn star, capable-of-blowing-in-the-wind mustaches, cultivated by an entire lifetime of avoiding any and all reflective surfaces. I'll admit that I've only seen two of these things in the area, but just half of one of these ladies' 'staches would still qualify the neighborhood as the undeniable champion of the country. Really something.

Half the Fat, Twice the Satisfaction

2009-02-19T19:13:00.000-08:00

My kid sister's car has no tape player or auxiliary input to make use of her iPod on the road, and so on occasion, I force a mix CD on her. Usually they're just collections of impeccably tasteful yet arbitrarily chosen songs I'm enjoying, but a few days ago, I decided to go with a short song theme. I sorted through my vast, eclectic record collection to create a mix that would be heavy on song volume yet fit on a single CD, and as far as I know, I accomplished my goal. The Half the Fat, Twice the Satisfaction mix is a complete exercise in efficiency: 40 songs in 60 minutes, which averages out to about 1.5 minutes a tune.

I'm not huge on foisting mixes on people, but I went through hell getting this one on the internet, and so I feel like I might as well offer it. I realize it can be hard to commit to listening to one song recommendation, let alone an entire playlist, but keep in mind that in just under the time you'd be able to listen to one live Built to Spill song, you'll hear 40 of today's hits and yesterday's favorites. BANG FOR YOUR BUCK, FOLKS. It's like the speed dating of music listening: By the time you realize you hate a song, you're moving on to the next disappointment a seat down on the plastic banquet table. I make a very compelling argument. Do whatever you want, see if I care:

Half the Fat, Twice the Satisfaction

Rea Irvin

2009-02-17T10:12:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I learned of Rea Irvin, the New Yorker's first employee while reading Drawn!. That blog lead me to Filboid Studge, which has been examining Mr. Irvin's life and art. I think these illustrations are just out of this world. Just look at this one for proof, it's terrific and old-timey:

I've been imagining a scenario where I get these printed in a high-quality fashion. Do you have any idea how I could do that? Be an angel and do me the favor of telling me.

Ian McKellen and the the Actor's Burden

2009-02-14T17:45:00.001-08:00

YOU SHALL NOT PASS... UP AN OPPORTUNITY TO VISIT TWO OF THE BAY AREA'S MOST POPULAR TOURIST DESTINATIONS!

Living in New York can be overwhelming. The amount of excitement and romance I experience in the average day would be enough to last most people years. If you're having a hard time wrapping your head around that, just imagine this, but way more saxophone. It can be dizzying, and occasionally I just need a breather. That's why I picked the night of Valentine's Day to slow things down a bit by eating dinner at McDonald's and then wandering around Best Buy.

There are usually two things I do while wandering through Best Buy: look at videogames that I have no intention of buying, and watch clips of movies that I have no interest in. Tonight, while watching a loop of popular movies on a Blu-ray demonstration, I was fortunate enough to witness a clip from X-Men: The Last Dance. I hadn't watched the movie since I originally couldn't believe what I was seeing in theaters in 2006, but this clip provided me with an even clearer picture (it must have been the HD!) of the challenge that Ian McKellen must have felt while making this movie. The scene I saw was the pivotal moment of the film when Magneto kills two tourist birds with one stone and reroutes the Golden Gate Bridge to Alcatraz Island using magnet skill. By this point in my original viewing of the movie, I had been trained to expect the unexpected, to believe the unbelievable, and to just accept how terrible it all was, so watching Gandalf in a felt suit with a coffee can over his head as he defied even supervillain logic was no real shock. But watching it again tonight, in my reflective, senseful solitude, I began to appreciate how insanely terrible it really was, and what a challenge it must have been for McKellen to help bring this diarrhea to life.

People are always talking about what a difficult task an actor has completed after starring in a great movie, but we don't give them enough credit for the roles in which they do their absolute worst. As far as I can tell, being in an awful movie seems to be a lot more challenging than being in a good one, and Sir Magneto here is an excellent example. The man had to read a screenplay that asked his character to cruise an American landmark through the San Francisco bay, among other acts of blinding stupidity, a daunting job in and of itself. Then he had to spend time negotiating the whole deal, and then had to commit to it. Commit to actually pretend, flanked by a guy in a rubber muscle suit and leather bra, that this was all happening. Just the strength that it would take to summon this type of crappy is striking. Of course, while all of this is being filmed, he's surrounded by at least a handful adults who must have known what a mistake every element of the movie was. Just standing there, watching, biting their tongues. The embarrassment alone would be a heavier load than the average actor has to do to win an Oscar, and for that, I'm handing it to Ian McKellan, and any other actor that's found the courage in their hearts to spend their lives doing things of this caliber while the world watches. Appreciate the actor's burden:

Map of the Starrs

2009-02-03T18:49:00.001-08:00

How could you resist a blog that features something as wonderful as this?

I've recently been made aware of what may be the worst named blog on the internet, McTravelzz, which is run by one Maggie Starr V.I.C.K.I. McFarland-Johnson, a gal who has traveled to more places than you could ever hope to visit. Maggie has worked for Continental Airlines for at least ten years, and she has really outdone herself with her flight benefits (I'm sure she'll hook you up, I know she never gets tired of people asking.). She does a fantastic job of detailing her many vacations on this new blog, giving helpful hints and tips to each locale should you ever find the fortune required of anyone outside of the airline industry to visit. Although I'm certain I'll never come close to 99% of these places, I still love reading the blog, as it's a great time. Take a look-see.

Oktapodi

2009-01-28T18:20:00.000-08:00

This is a fantastic two-minute animated short. Who doesn't love vibrant, playful octopuses? Who doesn't love the beauty of sunny Greece? And who doesn't love a tale that proves the enduring power of true love?

Filling Out a Questionnaire

2009-01-28T11:30:00.000-08:00

I went to do a minor grammatical edit of my last post and really screwed it over, so it's gone now. Fortunately Elizabeth has taken it upon herself to not only fill out, but write a new survey, which she told me in confidence that she "hope[s] other people fill it out on their [worthless] blogs." I'm happy to do so, even if I assume that she hates everyone else's blog.

1. What's something new that you like?
It's not new at all, but I've really been consuming a lot of milk lately. Healthy, nutritious, and really delicious. I don't see a downside. Another thing that I thought was really special recently was a coconut cream donut from The Doughnut Plant. I mean, I'm not even that big on donuts, or cream-filled pastries for that matter, but this thing really shook me up. Good grief almighty.

2. What's something new that you despise?
The discount grocery store near my apartment, the Pathmark of Harlem, is an absolute hellhole.

3. What's a neat thing you did that made you feel great?
I spent several hours beneath Rockefeller Center chatting with Melissa and Jordan. It was a very pleasant experience. If you feel like having a nice conversation, those are two excellent people to have at your disposal.

4. What's something that made you feel terrible?
I'm quite certain that I got salmonella poisoning from my peanut butter. I felt like a rusty blade was rammed through my stomach, magician's assistant style, for an entire day. I also had diarrhea, if you must know. The whole thing was very painful. Who would have thought that a PB&J would come at such a cost?

5. What's a great quote you've come across recently?
I can't think of any quotes, but the lyrics to the Strapping Fieldhands' "Battle Down the Quarter Mile" have recently really gotten to me. If you have any care at all, the whole album surrounding that song, which is a smash, can be had here for free-of-sharge.

6. Who is a great mom?
My mother's kindness could leave your mother's kindness broken-jawed and bleeding to death in a gutter.

7. What is a word you cannot seem to get a hold of?
For one reason or another, the word "emphatic" has given me a bit of trouble. I'm also reading a book full of words related to Jewish culture which have flown right over my gentile head.

8. What's something that let you down lately?
I'm let down every morning by my roommates who stomp around while I try to clutch my last moments of sleep. I also wanted to play some Nintendo 64 games on my computer and it's been an incredible headache. Oh, and the Food Network's allowance of seventy Rachel Ray shows a day has been very disappointing. Unlike many, I don't even mind the lady, but there are only so many sloppily prepared, barely appetizing meals I can take. I should also mention what an amazing embarrassment Mexican food in New York is. Give me a break.

9. What's something that did not let you down lately?
Other than the donut I spoke of earlier, Jordan, Melissa, and I all took a just-short-of-endless trip to a bakery called Baked in Brooklyn. I had some type of chocolate pecan thing and suddenly my exhaustion, my fears, and my soulful pains were washed away. Unfortunately I couldn't restrain myself from buying a chocolate marshmallow from them which was nauseatingly sweet, but I learned the valuable lesson that no marshmallow should be served plain unless on fire.

10. Now just list some words you think sound great:
gown
Mercy (as a first name)
Leslie (as a name or verb)
tap

Thinking About McDonald's

2009-01-23T16:28:00.000-08:00

I currently hold over $100 worth of gift certificates to McDonald's, which my father gifted to me before I left to New York. He's a really nice guy. Naturally, my trips to McDonald's have grown in number, meaning that I've been able to truly enjoy the McDonald's experience lately. I was recently bothered by the statement on the cup pictured above; the only scenario of fussiness I can imagine the company in involves beef buyers haggling on the prices of grade-L beef. On the other side of the cup, two laughing women have a scream as one pushes the other in a wheel barrow, who holds a basket of fresh vegetables in her lap. I think the soda cup and I may be talking about different fast food corporations. Now that I'm thinking about it, maybe "we're as picky about what we buy as you are" isn't as misleading as I originally thought. It's starting to sound more like "our products are created with Filet-o-Fish-quality ingredients. Do you give a damn?"

An even more troubling McDonald's-related event was the discovery on the side of my Happy Meal of this kid actor, who looks to match the complete portrait of horror that those Zaq and Codi characters display. Smug little critter:

Here is a clearer shot of him. Hopefully his major success in Hotel For Dogs will allow a large enough drug budget to get him out of the spotlight immediately.

Big City Screams

2009-01-13T19:19:00.000-08:00

Before I left for New York, I was repeatedly warned about the hardships of life in the big city. The people wouldn't be as nice. If I didn't keep my eyes open and my mind running, I'd be taken advantage of in no time. Being hit by a taxi is a very similar experience to being hit by a regular car. If these were the biggest threats facing me upon arrival, then, I've made it. I'm ahead of the game, even.

As it turns out, a modeling agent was waiting for me right outside the airport as I exited with my bags on the night of January 2. He said he was looking for hot young talent, and offered me a ride to his studio to get going right away. Of course I agreed, and soon I was at his place, which I guess was temporary because it was sort of small and dark, and a bit cold for the bikini he had me model. The shoot was a bit short, and he ended up having to get to an important meeting, so I wasn't able to catch his name or number, and it was a little bit difficult getting out of Newark at 1 am. So if you happen to see me on the front of Seventeen, let me know, because I'd really like to get him my address so he can send my first paycheck.

In addition to my initial good luck, everything else has been going well. I'm living in East Harlem, which, unlike I had myself believing, is no nicer than the area's stereotype. I've previously described China Town as a steaming dump and I'd do the same for my current neighborhood, but given the biting cold, I'll have to adjust it to frozen solid dump. Thankfully, what really counts is the inside, and in this case, the inside of my apartment is surprisingly not a dive. The girl could use to put on a few pounds, as she's currently about as long as a tapeworm and as skinny as one too, but I've got few complaints. The climate is strictly not controlled, as my bedroom usually hovers around 85 degrees, but that actually works with the small amount of covers I have on my bed.

My job as an intern for Leeza has so far been extremely satisfying. The first day was long, as I think most Mondays will be (Leez tapes two shows on Mondays so she can spend her weekends in the Keys), but all of the folks I work with have been maybe too kind to me. I run video tapes around, I run scripts around, I run food around, I run around town, and I eat a lot of crackers. My highlight of the position so far has been meeting Leeza's announcer, whose office is just feet away from the desk I command. As far as my laser sharp perception can determine, he's a genuinely wonderful person, which thrills me to no end.

i just needed to clear the air yall. theres been a ton of rumors and that dont fly with me so now its all out their and i hope we can all move past this so i can post mor bs u no? i will leave u with some pix and god bless~

I spent the first half hour or so waiting for my roommate to show up and let me in. He's a deadbeat if there was ever a deadbeat.

The luxury, style, and beauty of a double-stack air mattress are simply unbeatable. Someone get a chiropractor lined up for my arrival back home.

Dashing Daschund

2008-12-31T00:15:00.000-08:00

I recently mentioned to Sarah-Ashley how much I enjoyed the design of Waldi, the mascot for the '72 Munich Summer Olympics, and that it would look great on a t-shirt. Oh the irony, then, that I should return home from watching a movie about another famous dog-type personality of the 70s, Richard Nixon, to find a shirt featuring Waldi, handcrafted by Sarah, sitting by my computer. It's far more fantastic than I could have imagined:

On top of this piece of magic, she threw me a surprise going away party at my favorite restaurant last night. I'm positive there's not a more spectacular person on the planet. Just a great gal. Many thanks, girl.

You Worthless Actor

2008-12-25T12:31:00.000-08:00

Me, bearing down on Michael Cera in everyone's dream car, the '91 Camaro

Apparently Michael Cera is willing to play the George Michael character in every movie but Arrested Development: Look here and hate him even more than you already should.

Two More

2008-12-08T22:16:00.001-08:00

Just two more GIFs. I can't resist:

Animated Gift

2008-12-06T23:33:00.000-08:00

I'm so happy. I've learned the simple task of creating an animated GIF. In celebration of this wonderful event and the mounting possibility of the much-rumored sequel to this video (with an estimated $50 budget), I present my first animated GIF nine times:

Up

2008-11-07T21:11:00.000-08:00

May, come soon:

Dazzling

2008-10-08T21:07:00.000-07:00

Here is a link to some photos taken by Yann Arthus-Bertrand, who I've learned of just now. I think they are worth your time:

http://www.boston.com/bigpicture/2008/10/earth_from_above_comes_to_nyc.html

Tip

2008-10-02T11:46:00.000-07:00

When you aren't blind and attempt to look blind, you will look ridiculous. This issue is not up for debate.

You've Gotta Try This!

2008-09-25T17:25:00.000-07:00

I've started a new blog, entitled I Tried It! (hetriedit.blogspot.com) where I will be posting a non-comprehensive review of virtually everything I try, from foods and drinks to music and television programs. I have a strict review system and three reviews already up, plus I have some other exciting content planned. It's really going to be something else, so give it a try:

hetriedit.blogspot.com

Face to Face with the Monster

2008-09-24T21:38:00.000-07:00

Well, it happened. I finally had to stare into the gaping, plaque-covered jaws of that terrible girl. Today involved the class being broken into small groups, and naturally, I was assigned to discuss a topic with her. As I headed towards that shrill, gruesome lady, I imagined learning a valuable lesson about not judging someone based solely on how much they make me gag, but that possibility never materialized. She is, in fact, worse than I could have ever possibly imagined. Shame.

I Felt Sick

2008-09-21T20:00:00.000-07:00

The Onion was quite close with this video, but I think they just missed the mark by focusing on Domino's instead of Pizza Hut. As I watched TV earlier today, a commercial for Pizza Hut's new pasta came on. After witnessing an image of their new Premium Bacon Mac 'n' Cheese, I was certain I would be spending the rest of the afternoon bailing bucketfuls of vomit out of my apartment window. How does this company continue to exist?

Photos of Three People I Absolutely Can't Stand the Sight of

2008-09-16T21:13:00.001-07:00

I don't think I need to qualify my near-allergic reactions upon seeing these three people with too much writing.

Kid actors Zack and Cody. Squirrely little suckers:

Indie soft rock bad boy Chris Walla. Get real:

Hey readers, let's hear your feedback. What person can't you bare to look at?

That's Unique

2008-09-01T00:44:00.000-07:00

I don't expect much at all from the Deseret News or their brilliant food critic Stacy Kratz, but I was blown away by this recent review:

http://deseretnews.com/article/1,5143,700254317,00.html

I'm going to launch a thorough investigation of all of Stacy's reviews and then I will ruin her career. MARK MY WORDS.

Keep Your Elbows Off the Table

2008-08-31T22:36:00.000-07:00

Between this story and my sister's tale of a cocaine-caked razor shoved in a medical patient's anus (you'll have to ask her about it), I think I've finally settled on never doing cocaine. Never eating at Denny's again, of course, was a much easier decision.

Man Attempts To Amputate Own Arm In Denny's

MODESTO - (CBS13/AP) ― Modesto police say a local man who tried to cut off his own arm at a Denny's restaurant thought he had injected air into one of his veins while shooting cocaine and would die unless he took drastic action.

The man, identified by police as Michael Lasiter, 33, rushed into the restaurant on Friday night and started stabbing himself in the right arm with a butter knife he grabbed from a customer's table, police say. When that knife didn't work, Lasiter allegedly took a butcher knife from the kitchen and dug it into his arm.

Lasiter, who was subdued with a taser and taken to a local hospital with severe cuts, told officers he thought he needed to amputate his arm to keep himself from dying from the cocaine injection, says Modesto police Sgt. Brian Findlen.

The Denny's closed for the night after the incident.

Back in School

2008-08-25T17:39:00.000-07:00

I started school today and was dismayed to find that I'll be sharing another class this semester with a shrieky, hideous creature that I've written about previously. The last time I had to deal with this gal was during the winter months, and while the frost did little to keep her from baring it all then, August has provided her with a reason for an even more repulsive wardrobe, as I've tried to replicate in the photo above.

Sunting i did

2008-08-07T17:21:00.000-07:00

Craig informed me that the Chronicle with my latest column was out, so I think I can now safely post it here for reading. I was suppose to gear it towards incoming students, and so I thought I'd share my thoughts on my last twenty-nine decades of college:

Welcome to your next 6 years

Up until application time came, college was never in my direct line of sight. With a family of non-graduates in front of me, including two older brothers and both of my parents, there was never heavy pressure for me to begin-let alone finish-college. As high school came to an end, I placed just as much hope in the apocalypse or child stardom as I did in simply getting a degree.

Fortunately, I've always had a charmingly submissive relationship with peer pressure, and just like shoplifting and vandalism, college was something all my friends seemed to be doing.

That was in 2003, and though I've been able to trade in most of my old habits for new ones, attending the U hasn't been one of them. Barring any relapses, I should graduate in 2009. Upon consideration, I might as well have gone to dental school for my English degree.

Getting out of college isn't nearly as easy as they make it look on TV. Typical television characters spend 17 years in high school before entering college, where they learn that America has no interest in their new university friends (who often bear a striking resemblance to their old high school friends, sans expired contracts) and problems (High school: "I try a beer before making out!" College: "I try snorting cocaine off of my baby before passing out!"). These people end up with a rushed Bachelor of Cancellation in less than two semesters' time, at which point they move on to real jobs like Celebrity Dishwashing. If only real life were such a breeze.

The key to graduating (which I've discovered five years and thousands and thousands of dollars into my college experience), is to keep a clear, focused mind. You shouldn't allow haughty goals like "bettering yourself for a successful career" or "learning new skills and developing your character" get in the way of timely college liberation.

Choosing a major based on your interests or a career goal is a certain turn toward an unnecessarily lengthy college experience. Begin studying a subject that catches your fancy as a freshman, and two years in you'll realize that playing with cadavers is a lot more fun than actually learning about them. All of a sudden you're back to where you started.

Instead, think of college as the new high school. Nobody enjoys their studies in high school, but they manage to graduate. It's all about showing up and turning in finished work. Do these things in classes you know you have a chance of understanding, and you're set.

Determining your strengths is a great place to start. Can you work a calculator? Have you, by chance, ever read an article in National Geographic? Bachelor of Science. Is lying more up your alley? Know how to double-space a paper? Bachelor of Arts. With the two main choices out of the way, narrowing your major is as simple as buying a dartboard or consulting your local clairvoyant.

While drudging through endless years of college can be exhilarating and consistently rewarding, it can also become slightly depressing as you wind up your ninth junior year. Warding off such feelings isn't easy, but it can be done. It's all about learning to favorably compare yourself to every one of your fellow students. There are two types of people guaranteed to aid you in this.

First, as hard as it is to believe, there will be another person in every course who has been trapped in college longer than you. Cling to this fact and make it work for you, whether through silent criticism or, if you're bold, personal verbal attacks.

The other sort of person you're sure to deal with is the class discussion enthusiast. These people, whose hands shoot up at any opportunity to bother the class with their thoughts, will generally be younger and smarter than you. A great way to boost your self-confidence is to remember that although these people will most likely graduate before you and succeed in life, at least you aren't an idiot.

Luckily, being stuck in college with little-to-no guidance (prepare to often hear "Do you know how to check your DARS report?") isn't entirely awful. The more time you spend in your university studies, the more time you'll have to keep that 15-hours-a-week job.

Plus, if you by some mistake do find yourself with a bachelor's degree, there's always graduate school. Manage to stay in college long enough and someone is sure to invent another, higher institute of learning from which future employers will require a degree. The only thing standing between you and an eternity of college is too much motivation. Dream big!

Live at the Harlem Square Club

2008-08-03T00:18:00.000-07:00

This is the best live recording I have ever heard. It's just something else, and I can't stop listening to it. I can't recommend it enough. My only problem with it is that I'm going to be disappointed with every concert I go to in the future:

Sam Cooke- Live at the Harlem Square Club, 1963

You're Overshooting the Vocal

2008-07-29T21:06:00.000-07:00

James Gerard auditioned for America's Idol today, and I went in support (of his dream, not the television show). We left for the event at 4:15 am in order to stand in line for a solid three hours before we were allowed entry to the Energy Solutions Arena. During those three hours I've never seen more people that deserved to have their legs cut off at the knees. Everyone seemed to be trying out their best overdone pop voice. While we waited I spotted a man with a zany hairstyle and joked that it must be Justin Guarini (of "not being successful" fame), and then realized that it was Justin Guarini. I felt few emotions.

When we did finally get inside, an energetic man lead the audience in a sing-along to two of my new least favorite songs, "Get Ready" by The Temptations and "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" by Marvin Gaye. I had to leave a little bit early for a French speaking exam, so I'm not sure if James was able to have an illicit affair with Paula Abdul or sign a record deal as lucrative as Justin Guarini's, but I'm sure he did just fine. He's got a really pretty voice.

Tomorrow is my last day of college French and I'm on top of the world.

You Recommend a Job

2008-07-08T21:11:00.000-07:00

I think I'm nearing the end of my patience with people who tip little, or nothing, and stay late. Being blindsided by the worst examples of human behavior night after night is taking its toll on me. If you have a job recommendation, please, please, please, let me know. I don't know how much longer I can keep doing this.

I Recommend a Music Video

2008-07-07T13:39:00.000-07:00

I've actively avoided this Fleet Foxes band as I've feared they'd bore me out of my mind, but this song is nice enough and the video is even nicer:

I Recommend a Book

2008-07-07T13:07:00.001-07:00

I'm not much of a cook, despite my years of grueling culinary training throughout middle and high school. There was even a point at which my mother was bold enough to discount my cooking skills in front of my more kitchen-inclined brother and sister. I've struggled to overcome my cooking trials, and through practice, I've learned to perform such difficult tasks as preheating ovens and scrambling eggs. However, besides of a delicious batch of macaroons I whipped up in my 12th grade Creative Foods class that I'll never let anyone forget, I still lack confidence in my abilities to make actually good food. That's all changing now.

Recently a library copy of Baking Illustrated has been sitting on our kitchen counter, and I've made time to read it at every breakfast. The book is more than just a list of recipes, but a guide that shows precisely which techniques do and do not work in the baking world. Although I've yet to make any of the recipes, the pages of easy-to-read instructions and tips make me feel like I could prepare any of the goods described. I imagine that by the time I've read the book, I'll be as confident as the world's top bakers. Whether or not that self-assurance will translate to real world results is still a mystery, but at least I'll have been able to get through a few bowls of cereal with the (imagined) mind of a master.

I'm a Monster

2008-07-05T16:51:00.000-07:00

I've had a cold sore for the past five days and I'm really upset about it. Whenever I get a cold sore I feel like I've transformed into this:

I'd just like to take the time now and beg the universe to ensure the eternal damnation of whatever ancestor cursed me with this terrible affliction.

And how could I mention Two Face without posting a video to remind America why we fell in love with Tommy Lee Jones' portrayal of him in the first place?

It's Time to Find a New Ad Agency

2008-06-18T21:51:00.000-07:00

Recently I remembered seeing this commercial in high school and craved seeing it again. I really can't imagine it getting any worse:

Oh, We're Halfway There

2008-06-16T22:50:00.000-07:00

I've made it halfway through the year, so it's time to celebrate in the form of a media roundup.

It's been a slightly ratty year for new music, but I've found a few things I really enjoy, so I thought I'd upload some of them here. If you don't feel like downloading them, that's up to you, I don't care what you do with your personal time.

First, a link to my favorite new band of the year this far, The Barbaras. I'd upload a song, but everything on their Myspace is just something else and should be heard. They'll be putting out an album later this year.

Cut Copy- "Far Away"

Jay Reatard- "An Ugly Death"

Sloan- "If I Could Change Your Mind"

Why?- "Fatalist Palmistry"

Magnetic Fields- "The Nun's Litany"

Islands- "J'aime Vous Voire Quitter"

Now that I really look at it, I guess this year has been a major disappointment so far. Fortunately, I've found a lot of slightly older music that I've really been enjoying. Here are some songs you might consider thinking about downloading at some point:

Aubrey Gass- "Corn Fed Gal"

1910 Fruitgum Company- "Indian Giver"

Gang Starr- "Work"

Bats- "Round and Down"

Compulsive Gamblers- "Stop and Think It Over"

Alan Vega- "Fireball"

Clean- "Whatever I Do Is Right"

Positive K- "I Got a Man"

Charles Blackwell Orchestra- "Midnight In Luxembourg"

Fortunately, the year isn't over. Some bands releasing albums that I'm looking forward to:

Barbaras

Reigning Sound

Spinto Band

of Montreal

Beck

Okkervil River

The two movies I'm looking forward to most:

As far as books go, this year I've read:

Frankenstein
Beowulf
Autobiography of Red
Double Wonderful
Ballad of the Whiskey Robber
The Picture of Dorian Gray
The Turn of the Screw

I'm currently reading Journey to the End of the Night and When You Are Engulfed in Flames.

I haven't played a lot of different video games, but so far I have wasted an enormous amount of time with:

Super Smash Bros. Brawl

Grand Theft Auto IV

Obviously the question on everybody's mind now is: What do you think of the year so far? Go ahead, divulge.

Can We Trust This Cracker?

2008-06-01T17:33:00.000-07:00

Imagine Suicide

2008-05-28T22:21:00.000-07:00

Actual Video Game

Can you imagine being one of the adults that calls creating video games such as Imagine Babyz their life's work? Just knowing that there are people in the world that dedicate themselves to the release of such products confirms to me that there are worse things than death. If by chance I'm somehow sucked into a similar whirlpool of misery, I can only hope a loved one will have the sense to throw me in a bag, drive me to the veterinarian, and have me put to sleep.

I Know I'm Still Fat

2008-05-20T17:48:00.000-07:00

Diet Book Author Advocates New 'No Food Diet'

Where does The Onion find these actors?

Sandi

2008-05-10T13:21:00.000-07:00

The only friend requests I receive on Myspace these days are bikini clad spam. Usually they're fairly normal looking gals just looking to take it all off for the world's loneliest social networkers, but today I received a request from this lady. Obviously, someone has failed at realizing what Myspace bachelors are looking for:

Regarding other busts, have I mentioned what a horrible, bleeding failure the new Weezer album is? Good grief.

Follow Your Screams

2008-05-06T22:53:00.000-07:00

Craig and I just put this short skeleton drama together. Take a peek:

Herriman

2008-05-04T00:01:00.000-07:00

James got a pair of free tickets to this year's Miss Herriman Pageant recently. When I discovered this, I demanded that we attend and was thrilled to find that he was planning on it. Tonight was the big show, and we did our best to control our laughter as we were treated to an onslaught of terrible performances, which included humiliating takes on the following: dance numbers, song and dance numbers, song and sign language numbers, and an unexpected standup comedy routine. Throughout the program I asked myself why I don't attend these pageants more often, as they provide endless amounts of entertainment for a decent price. As a bonus, the pageant was held at a middle school whose restroom provided me with this piece of entertainment:

Besides the obvious homophonic mistake, can you spot anything else that looks like it may be the work of a middle school-aged male? Of course, I can't post about this without reminding everyone of this gem.

We also saw the Iron Man movie, which was a semi-surprisingly fun time. I was on the fence after viewing the too-heavy-on-the-Black Sabbath trailer, but ended up having an enjoyable time at the movies. Go ahead, treat yourself.

Also, I usually don't condone midget "humor," as well, it's not funny, but James introduced me to this young man and I couldn't help but fall in love:

No

2008-05-02T14:47:00.000-07:00

I was in a bad enough mood at work today until I saw these people on the cover of In Utah This Week, and then flames burst from my nostrils. People who dress like they're into rockabilly can all go to hell, I don't care who they are or what they actually stand for. There's something about this style that just enrages me. IT'S NOT HALLOWEEN, FOLKS.

Wonder

2008-04-28T00:40:00.000-07:00

I saw this over at Drawn!, and it's one of the more impressive things I've seen recently. Far and away the most fun one can have with the Adam and Eve story, I imagine:

Someone Was Paid to Design This

2008-04-23T10:36:00.000-07:00

Actual album cover from my upcoming biggest disappointment of June.

Coming Soon

2008-04-17T23:59:00.001-07:00

I have to make a "zine" for one of my classes, and if I can afford two copies, one could very well end up in the Salt Lake Library's collection. I think it's going to do wonders for my health. Here's a look at the front cover:

Another Video That Was Worth My Time

2008-04-17T22:22:00.000-07:00

Architecture in Helsinki - Like It Or Not from helsinkids on Vimeo.

Sony Does Something Big in a City

2008-04-16T18:19:00.000-07:00

This is another one of those wonderful Sony ads in which they cover a city in something while relaxing music plays. This one isn't as brilliant as the others, but it's still quite good. I'm sure soap sud sales are going to scream through the roof after this:

I Recommend a Blog

2008-04-16T14:10:00.000-07:00

I recently learned of the fantastic Ridiculous Infomercial Review after watching this video:

Way Random, But My Husband Can Get You a Screaming Deal on Encyclopedias

2008-04-09T19:54:00.000-07:00

I'm usually against using one's blog for personal gain. However, I'm not against using one's friends to do the same. I've done a lot of complaining about how awful Paypal is, so I was curious to read another blogger's recent spam post about Revolution Money Exchange, a new competitor for eBay's rip-off payment service. Until April 15, signing up for an account with the company will get you $25, and if you click the button below, I'll get $10. These are the sort of deals to be suspicious about, so I checked into it and discovered it's very much a legitimate service. Even if you don't care about making $25 or helping me make another $10, you will be able to sleep better at night knowing that you're helping form the base of a company that can challenge the terrible monopoly of Paypal. DO IT DO IT DO IT:

Have You Tried the Bowling?

2008-04-06T00:37:00.000-07:00

Try out this video game. It doesn't ask for a lot, but it gives so much:

http://www.mazapan.se/games/BurnTheRope.php

If you're actually interested in video games or delightful ideas, you could look at this:

Bad News

2008-04-03T22:11:00.000-07:00

Do you ever feel hopelessly out of touch, as if no matter how hard you struggle, you'll never quite catch up with the times? Well, I'm here to offer hope, which two local publications endowed upon me this afternoon.

First, for those of you who feel you're always one step behind the latest trend, I present Salt Lake's current worst weekly newspaper, In Utah this week. If this week's cover story, "80 Things We Loved About the 1980s," is any indication, even if those pants you're wearing are so last season, you're still a solid six years ahead of the staff of In Utah. Apparently no one alerted the provocative writers of the paper to this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, or this.

If being years and years ahead of the staff of In Utah isn't enough, you'll find comfort in knowing you also have more taste than City Weekly's reader base, who voted the following as the "Best of Utah 2008":

-Best News Station: Fox 13
-Best Japanese: Takashi
-Best Pizza: The Pie
-Best Pad Thai: Thai Siam (full disclosure: I work at a better Thai restaurant, and a lukewarm mixture of ketchup and vinegar served over linguine noodles is difficult for me to swallow.)

Fodder and Dotter

2008-03-27T23:59:00.000-07:00

This is one of the nicest things I've ever seen and I just felt like sharing it. You don't have to watch it, but the least you can do is pretend you did and were deeply offended.

If that rings your bell, this video from the same man (Michael Dudok de Wit) is also worth your time.

The Magic of Eavesdropping

2008-03-26T12:46:00.000-07:00

Overheard while standing in line at Cafe Rio today:

Local sheriff (of Davis County?): "I was reading a news article online about the Central Utah Narcotics Task Force today. You can imagine that acronym."

Me, listening in, thinking: Did he say acronym? What were the last few words he said? Central... Utah... Narco... Ah-- Oh! OH! Well played, sheriff!

Say Yes To Tacos Nacos

2008-03-19T12:35:00.000-07:00

I've written about Tacos Nacos (33 East, 114th South, near Best Buy in Sandy) in the past, but I feel like it's worth another mention. After finishing a half of a taco there today, I realized that it was my duty to do everything in my power to promote the restaurant. I set the half of the taco down in order to take a picture of my food, but it ended up looking totally unappetizing on my cell phone. I won't be featuring that photo here as it would be an injustice towards the brilliance of Tacos Nacos.

Without going into too many obnoxious details about the food, I ordered three tacos: one pork, one chicken, and one vegetarian, and every one of them was exactly more than I could ever ask for. They're similar to the tacos you get from street vendors, but are packed with far more delicious ingredients. The service is also terrific, and you get chips and salsa with every order. I would say a lot more, but I can't stand writing descriptions of food. I give Tacos Nacos this many animated .gifs:

I Did It

2008-03-18T12:06:00.000-07:00

I was able to get my header right where I wanted it, and now I can claim ownership of the most gorgeously designed blog on the internet. Nothing can compare.

I'd also like to point everyone in the direction of Trevor Hattabaugh, the 11-year old comedian that I was fooled into seeing last year:

I Tried My Hardest

2008-03-17T21:47:00.000-07:00

I've been trying to add this new header to my blog for hours, but I can't get it right. For now it will just have to be off-center, unless someone can give me a hot tip on fixing it.

A Movie I Need To See

2008-03-12T00:52:00.000-07:00

Pure Joy

Don't Call Us, We'll Not Call You

2008-03-06T22:37:00.000-08:00

I don't mind talking, chatting, gossiping, or shouting, as long as I have a face to do it at, but all those activities are stripped of their allure as soon as I have to do them over a telephone (except shouting, which is something I'm always up for). Speaking on the telephone lands just below "speaking while choking on a splintering chicken bone" on my list of ways to communicate with others. There's something about talking on the phone that always threatens to ruin my day, and so I'm constantly on the lookout for ways to make it a less painful process.

A few hours ago I got an account with Grand Central, a company that promises to make calling easier. Google recently purchased the company and is now offering free accounts by invitation only. I learned of the service today and although I wasn't sure how it would benefit my life, I jumped right on. The product's front page boasts that it has "So Many Features You Won't Believe It," but as of right now, I'm fully willing to believe, it's just the "understanding it" portion I'm struggling with. Despite this small snag, I'm still excited to see what the service will eventually do for me. They've given me a free phone number that goes directly to my cell phone, something my actual phone number only wishes it could do, and I got to pick an obnoxious ring for people that try calling me. By some sort of e-magick you can click the following button and it will call me, but I'm still not certain how this works. Give it a shot, just don't expect me to say much.

I'd also like to point out a couple of pictures I found in my hunt for the ultimate Bluetooth earpiece photos. They're so good I was tempted to use them as my own, but my guilt overcame me. They were originally posted by something called Atlanta Illustrated here.

OTHER CRUCIAL INFORMATION~~~
I'd like to update everyone on the girl covered in layers of neon pink flesh that I share a class with, previously mentioned in this post. Today she wore her most revealing outfit yet, and it was all I could do to keep from gagging for an hour and a half.

The First Use of "Bad to the Bone" I've Ever Enjoyed

2008-02-29T23:26:00.001-08:00

A very funny video, but don't feel pressured to watch it. I suggest you do, though:

Paul Rust- Bad to the Bone

Never Too Early to Start Writing Christmas Lists

2008-02-12T16:18:00.000-08:00

As a side note, I'm sick. Send me your pity?

That's One Slick Baldwin

2008-02-05T22:40:00.000-08:00

I just saw Stephen Baldwin on Jay Leno's program, and what a greaseball. Even compared to Jay he looked like a slimebag, which is an incredible feat.

1st

2008-01-31T22:24:00.000-08:00

I uploaded the Bee Gees' album 1st for a friend, and figured I might as well share with everyone else interested. This really is one of the most terrific 60s albums I've heard, and I highly recommend to anyone interested in the Zombies, Beatles, etc.:

Bee Gees- 1st

Please

2008-01-31T22:07:00.000-08:00

From an interview with Jeffrey Tambor:

Jeffrey: ...and in terms of Arrested Development, i think i have good news...i think we're going to make a movie
Ron: Really? that's fantastic news.
Jeffrey: I talked to Ron Howard the other day and he sort of hinted around it - there's a real push to get a movie made, of course after the strike...and, uh...if i was on board. i said...[mumble] without pausing...I loved doing that and I know jason is on board too.

It's the Most Important Read of the Day

2008-01-31T13:29:00.000-08:00

While eating breakfast, I'll read anything within grabbing reach. Cereal boxes, newspapers, palms, you name it. My favorite breakfast reading comes from cooking magazines (Bon Appetit, preferably, but I'm not picky). Some publications, I've learned, should be avoided during morning eating, specifically National Geographic, any science journal, and the parts of the newspaper where they advertise hearing aids with enormous pictures of ears (which can be tricky, as those ads will come at you from anywhere). This morning while reading Time, a magazine I've generally been able to tolerate while breakfasting, I nearly became violently ill when I came upon an article on food, a subject I've generally been able to tolerate while breakfasting. These two bits on hamburgers were just too much, too early in the morning:

"It's a hot ground-beef sandwich"

and

"As much as I love Boulud's cooking, I found it disgusting--a gooey mess of indistinguishable, nauseating fat."

So, this is a call to publishers of the world. Please, keep the breakfast reading crowd in mind when considering such stories. I'm eating here.

Other notes of interest:

-I had Cafe Rio's tamales for the first time. I've never had tamales before, so I can't say how these compare to others, but I hated them. I felt like I was eating a wet sock filled with wet meat. Pure slime.

-Last night I dreamt I was watching a video of Rudy Giuliani attacking a woman, which resulted in her jacket's elbow being ripped. I was going to post the video here for everyone to see, but as of now that's not going to happen. However, I do know that dreams can become a reality with a bit of hard work, so everyone cross your fingers, and Giuliani just may be able to finish his campaign on a violent note.

Be There.

2008-01-30T00:07:00.000-08:00

From: iesb.net:

New Line and Platinum Dunes join forces to bring you a new Nightmare on Elm Street franchise.

The trades are reporting that Platinum Dunes, the production company owned by Michael Bay, Brad Fuller and Andrew Form have been hired by New Line to re-launch Freddy Krueger.

Robert Englund is not expected to return to the Freddy Krueger role he made famous, but expect instead a fresh reboot of the Elm Street series with new actors.

It is not known if Wes Craven, the creator of the franchise, will be involved with the new film.

Platinum Dunes is also re-launching the Jason Voorhees/Friday the 13th franchise with a production start date of April with Marcus Nispel directing.

I think it's just the time to pitch my Teen Krueger movie. I'm going to need everyone's support, because if it's a success, I'll go on to produce an even more exciting film:

A Story About Jessica Simpson Failing

2008-01-25T00:14:00.000-08:00

I just read that the last Jessica Simpson picture, Blonde Ambition, grossed $6,442 in theaters before heading to DVD. How can you not feel great about numbers like that?

Interactive Technology

2008-01-24T23:34:00.000-08:00

This is a great music video, but I think I'd be happy to give up the interactive element to see it in a really high resolution.

Extreme terror: I share a class with an obnoxious girl with the worst complexion I've ever seen. Today I glanced in her direction only to be confronted by her horrifyingly exposed stomach, which was like layers and layers of skin similar to this animal's:

I honestly recoiled in disgust. I've decided to make a rough approximation of the living nightmare that I had to witness:

Please, monster girl, if you're reading this, hear my plea and put on a longer shirt, or even a really huge belt.

Hygiene Update

2008-01-22T23:16:00.000-08:00

Thanks to this handy new toothbrush, the most strenuous exercise my right arm used to face on a day-to-day basis has been eliminated, clearing the way for it to finally shrivel into the sock monkey-like state I've always dreamed of. In addition to this great news, my teeth feel like they've been freshly polished by a real life dental assistant every time I brush, minus the uncomfortable gaping-mouth-chitchat that so often plagues such encounters.

I've also acquired some of that Crest Vivid White toothpaste I was so curious about, which means my smile should be reaching Osmond levels of celestial glow-y in a matter of weeks. Heads up, America!

Unfortunately, with every hygienical step forward, there must always be one step back (the winning stroke against lice means a shaved head, a recovery from sickness demands a return to work, and a daily shower equals a loss of that rebellious filth that made you so popular in the first place). In my case, our family's bathing water seems to have been recently mixed with raw sewage. Every time I turn the shower on, the bathroom seems to transform into the steamy undertank of a latrine. This has been going on for a few days now, and I'm certain it's going to be detrimental to both my health and social life. If the problem isn't fixed soon, you can expect a call from me to bathe at your home. I prefer exotic-but-not-too-powerfully scented soaps, gentle facial scrubs, and American flag beach towels. Be prepared.

Pure Class

2008-01-22T22:10:00.001-08:00

I don't think I've ever seen a Heath Ledger movie, as a side note.

Sundance, Nacos, There Will Be Blood

2008-01-20T00:05:00.000-08:00

My goal in attending Sundance today was to offend at least one celebrity, and I failed. In past years, I've wasted Juliette Lewis' time ("I kinda gotta go..."), confronted Hilary Duff about her enormous face by way of the Sundance channel, and infuriated Jennifer Aniston fans by calling her Rachel. I saw a total of three stars today: Jack Black, Michel Gondry, and Danny Glover. Of the three, the only one I was able to make any noise at was Danny Glover, to whom I simply shouted "DANNY!" I failed, everyone, and I failed everyone.

The biggest letdown for me was Michel Gondry, who I could have easily spoken to, considering that no one was paying any attention to him. Instead of making contact, I simply pointed my finger directly in his face, after which I shamefully turned my eyes to the ground. The more I think about it, the angrier I am with myself, because the man has done some wonderful things. Here are just a few examples of things he's done outside of his movies (Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, The Science of Sleep, Be Kind Rewind, etc.):

Sundance was just the first three quarters of my day, however. Afterwards, I tried a delicious new restaurant, Taco(s?) Naco(s?). Just now I've researched what Naco means, and here's what Wikipedia says:

Naco (fmn. naca) is a pejorative word often used in Mexican Spanish to describe bad-mannered and poorly educated people. Recently, however, the word has been reclaimed by Mexican hipsters, particularly in Mexico City and in other places where the word has been popularized in fashions. A naco is usually associated with lower socio-economic classes, but could also sometimes include the nouveau-riche.

I had a torta, and it was absolutely delicious. Unlike tortas I've had in the past, the bread was actual bread instead of an oversized hot dog bun. The service was excellent, as the woman at the counter was kind enough to decide my meal for me (at my request). My only complaint was that they had no limes. Limes are the best fruit in the galaxy and it's inexcusable for any restaurant to not have them. Anyway, it's located on 114th South and State Street, in the same parking lot as Best Buy. Go there.

I've been excited to see There Will Be Blood, and so that's the other thing I did tonight. Critics are going wild over Daniel Day-Lewis' performance, and now I can see why. He does a great job, everyone. I felt like he was a genuinely old-timey person. The ending was a bit off, but I still recommend it.

Take Off Your Glasses and Apologize To Us

2008-01-16T11:38:00.001-08:00

James sent me this video, which I think is hilarious. The way both of these people act is awesome:

Impracticality Has a Price

2008-01-16T00:10:00.000-08:00

This will be fun to look at at the Apple Store. Finally Apple releases a product that I not only can't afford, but have no reason to afford. "But it's so thin!"

Roachbag Express

2008-01-15T22:14:00.000-08:00

I'm exhausted. I arrived at school at 9:40 this morning and didn't get home until 9:00 PM (although I would have been back a half hour sooner had I not stopped for soup). The train ride home was a major challenge as I had to sit next to a totally classless individual who refused to move from the middle of the bench, leaving me dangling on the edge. My feet were also frozen. Had I turned to see the rest of the train exploding towards me, I would have been 100% satisfied.

There's a middle aged woman in my writing class who I may soon run through with a giant size novelty pencil. If I could remember even one of the many things she said to look young 'n' hip during class today and typed it here, the internet as we know it would collapse.

Last week I discovered an exciting new activity to do while in class. The idea came to me when I noticed that one of my professors obviously thought she had really done herself up for the day. I began to imagine her flaunting her flashy outfit in front of a full-length mirror, making "o!" and "ah!" faces while upbeat music played in the background. Initially I thought this would only be funny when applied to someone who looked like they tried their hardest to get ready for the day, but I experimented on other professors, and it worked just as well. I suppose this could work outside of the classroom, too. All one needs to do is imagine one of their superiors thinking they look awesome while modeling/dancing in front of a mirror, and voila. Give it a shot, and when it doesn't work for you as well as it did for me, quit it.

This animated short (done in Brazil, I think) is absolutely worth your time:

http://www.guilherme.tv/tyger/

The Winner Has Been Announced

2008-01-14T22:36:00.000-08:00

This was easily the entertainment highlight of last week for me:

Filler

2008-01-14T21:17:00.000-08:00

Craig, a friend of mine, hopefully a friend of yours, posted one of these on Facebook and now I'm shifting it over to my blog in order to give my devoted readers some content to chew on for the next few months.

1. Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you babe?
I can't say one way or the other.

2. What was the last thing you put in your mouth?
Milk.

3. What does your last incoming text message say?
"Ok I will work it out."

4. What was the last song you listened to?
"Hollywood Freaks"

5. What's irritating you right now?
The University of Utah bookstore's idea to bundle one of my required books with a non-required one, forcing me to pay them more money than I could have ever dreaded.

6. What did you do last night?
I read The Turn of the Screw, downloaded some movies, and played a bit of Nintendo.

7. What are you excited for?
Wednesday.

8. Pick a scar on your body, how'd you get it?
I have a scar on my left temple which my brother inflicted on me by way of a sharp piece of PVC pipe.

9. What did you do today?
I worked until the afternoon, got scammed by the bookstore, rented a Nintendo game, shipped my broken Wii to Nintendo, read, went to Cafe Rio, came home, read.

10. What do you want to do when you get out of high school/college?
First, never look back, second, make something of myself.

11. Do you have any siblings?
I have two older brothers, and one charming kid sister.

12. Are you signed onto AIM?
No. Signing into AIM is something I do very rarely.

13. What's your screen name?
bridegur

14. Who's your most religious friend?
I have no idea. My most religious friend in the first grade was a hyper-sensitive Jehova's Witness named Stephanie.

15. Would you rather be drunk or high?
It depends on what I'll be doing while intoxicated. If driving, drunk. If creating beautiful works of art, thinking, or trying to win new friends, high.

16. If you could change your name to anything what would it be?
Possibly to one of my pseudonyms, like Dana Teence.

17. What's the best compliment someone could give you?
"You're not bothering me."

18. Do you curse?
Yes, but I'm not an especially crass person unless I'm driving alone, when I test out new words and phrases at different volume levels.

19. Last time you took a plane, where was it to?
I think it was to New York.

20. How many times a day do you log into myspace?
Around twice, but I rarely sign out, giving people the impression that I'm on it literally all day.

21. Last profile you went to?
Craig Blake's.

22. What's the first thing you would do with five million bucks?
I would put it in the bank, and then beginning looking into buying a counterfeit diploma.

23. What did your last outgoing text message say?
"Cool, just let me know."

24. What was the last thing you bought?
A salad.

25. Where did you buy those things from?
Cafe Rio, in Draper, Utah. It's their worst location.

26. Is there anybody you just wish would fall off the planet?
You bet.

27. If you had a son what would you name him?
I've often thought Nobody or Everybody would be an exciting name for a child. "Nobody does that," people would say.

28. Look through the 2 nearest windows what do you see?
My blinds are shut.

29. What's your mousepad look like?
It's a red circle and it sucks.

30. Who is someone you have drifted from?
A lot of people.

31. Which of your friends do you argue with most?
Whenever a chance for arguing arises, I quickly crumble in order to avoid it.

32. Have you made a new friend?
What a terrible question.

33. What's your dream job?
I would like to write for a television program or make music videos.

34. Who's the last person that you felt stalked by?
I was possibly overly-rude to a telemarketer during the fall, and he actually took the time to call me back and tell me this. It was uncomfortable.

35. If you could have any car what would it be?
A Subaru BRAT with modern conveniences and a lifetime warranty.

36. What's your favorite breakfast food?
I love almost all breakfast food, barring sausage. However, waffles and orange juice have the lead.

37. How do you like your coffee?
Red hot and pitch black.

38. If you could get any piercing what would it be ?
I have no need for a piercing, and hope I will always have a friend sensible enough to talk me out of one should the situation arise.

39. What kind of cell phone do you have?
A deluxe phone courtesy of one Caitlan W.

40. What are you stressed out about?
Reading.

ROUND 2: Are You Bored Enough?

1. If I looked in your trunk, what would I find?
Some lights we used at a party over a month ago and an ice scraper. I wish I didn't have to worry about scraping ice.

2. Do you go to the bathroom with the door open or closed?
Closed. I'm always a bit weary of the manners of people who go with the door open.

3. Are your underwear and socks folded in your drawers, or just thrown in?
They're stuffed into drawers.

4. Sleep on your back or stomach?
My side, in the fetal position. I understand this is best for your back.

5. Are you a cuddler?
I hate that word, but as my sister recently pointed out, it's not nearly as bad as "snuggler."

6. What would I find if I looked under your bed?
Blankets and a bag.

7. Something that happened today that has made you mad?
The University bookstore.

8. What were you doing before this survey?
Reading some poems.

9. What will you do after this survey?
Try to return to productiveness.

10. Marriage or living together?
I really don't care, you mind your business, I'll mind mine.

11. What are you wearing right now?
Pajamas.

12. How many times have you been in love?
Zero times.

13. Does de-labeling a beer bottle make you sexually frustrated?
Like you would never imagine.

14. Do you talk about your feelings or hide them?
I try to keep the more boring aspects of my life to myself, but if you're interested, feel free to ask and I'll unload so much emotional baggage that you'll regret the moment you did.

15. Is there something you regret and wish you could take back?
Dozens and dozens of things, but obviously taking them back would shift the world completely, possibly throwing off the release dates of such earth shattering movies as U2 3D.

16. First thing you do when you wake up?
I've just recently begun to groan every time I wake up.

17. Last person you told you love them?
My mother.

18. Kiss with your eyes open or closed?
Wide-eyed open.

19. Bite or Lick?
Terrible question

20. Last argument you got into?
Whether or not to get a whole wheat tortilla, which I wish I had been more persuasive in doing.

21. Do you tend to rip the paper off water bottles?
Yes.

22. Why do you like the person you like?
Because they're a likable person and don't bother me in the least.

23. When you shut off your alarm clock, do you tend to fall back asleep?
Yes, the temptation of a few minutes' extra sleep will always win me over.

24. If you were given the chance to take care of a monkey for a weekend, would you?
Of course. Even if it ended up being a rascal, it would be the weekend of a lifetime. I don't imagine anyone that's ever had to care for a monkey regretted it, unless it gave them AIDS.

25. What is the current advertisement on the side of the screen?
Nothing

26. What are you looking forward to in the next few months?
Hopefully a couple of vacations.

27. When will you turn 50?
October 9, 2034. Consider this your invitation to the party of that year.

28. Are you ticklish?
Not at all. I think my brother's constant mauling of me in middle school wore down all of my nerve endings.

29. Where do you wish you were right now?
Asia is an exciting place. Somewhere warm, most likely.

30. What song are you currently listening to?
Magnetic Fields "Old Fools"

31. Have you ever passed out from drinking?
No.

32. If you caught a significant other cheating on you what would you do?
Frown, possibly say something rude, and do my very best to keep from crying in front of the obviously more charming intruder.

33. What time did you wake up this morning?
9:40

34. Do you have any cousins?
Yes, a lot, and a lot that I really have no feelings for.

35. What makes you laugh?
Unbridled fury displayed in public places like the grocery store.

36. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
I can't remember, probably a customer looking for Thai food.

37. What is the WORST subject they teach in school?
I'm terrible with physics classes. I also have a hard time with classes that allow too much freedom for nitwit college students to express their ideas.

38. Where do you plan on living when you grow up?
I'd like to live in New York, California, or possibly Chicago.

39. What was your dream this morning?
I can't remember.

40. How many times have you seen your favorite movie?
I don't have a favorite movie, but I watch movies I like time and time again.

41. Where was the last place you traveled?
Las Vegas.

42. How was your past weekend?
It was a great time.

43. What is your favorite song?
Of all-time, probably The Kinks "Waterloo Sunset." There are a lot of songs right up there, though.

44. Why are you doing this survey?
I explained this earlier.

45. What is the best ice cream flavor?
Chocolate chip.

46. Do you think you are attractive?
Totally stunning.

47. Is someone on your mind right now?
No, finishing this survey is on my mind.

48. Can you say the alphabet backwards?
Probably, but not quickly, and I don't plan to practice it.

49. Do you worry about how you look?
I do my best to keep things off my face and out of my teeth.

50. Would you ever change for a boy/girl?
If it means giving up my myriad addictions, abusive personality, or knee-length hair, you can forget it.

51. What color is your toothbrush?
Blue?

52. Have you ever been on stage?
Yes.

52. Do you like the beach?
Of course, I feel like it's a very good use of my time.

53. Can you whistle?
Although I was a late bloomer, I'm a decent whistler, thanks to my sister's constant heckling.

54. Would you do anything for that special someone?
If they asked me politely and I was in the mood.

55. Do you know who Stewie Griffin is?
I had an idea, and Google confirmed my suspicion. I have no interest in that show.

56. Do you have any plans for today?
I need to get on the ball before getting to bed.

57. Have you ever thought a friend could be more than a friend?
Like a monster, or a spy? I haven't had any friends like this personally, but you never know.

College Students

2008-01-08T21:33:00.000-08:00

My first day back in school went smoothly, but I still can't get over how much I hate most of my peers. The top three worst things I heard students say today:

"Oh, I read Turn of the Screw over the break."

"I'm Tim, I'm a photography major, and I'm just going to apologize now because I have a FILTHY mouth."

"I'm Jennifer, I'm an English major, and I want to stop corporate greed."

I tried to Photoshop a picture of anvils raining down on a group of students, but it didn't work. Try to imagine that here.

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING

2008-01-06T18:22:00.001-08:00

Please Let Me See

2008-01-06T12:36:00.000-08:00

I'm planning to see this movie January 11th: http://www.billythekiddocumentary.com/

Misogynistic Maniac Rock Star Abuses Model Girlfriend

2008-01-06T00:56:00.000-08:00

As it turns out, Marty Crandall, keyboardist of girl-friendly rock band The Shins is very much in to hitting girls. I tried to think of a title for this as eye-catching as the New York Post's headline for Ike Turner's passing ("Ike 'Beats' Tina To Death"), but that's hard to top ("Bruised Shins?" "Fighting in a Sack-ramento?" "So Says I, You Inferior Woman?").

There's a more important issue at hand, however. While skimming the Livejournal of the victim, I came across a recommendation for Crest Vivid White toothpaste. Although I'm slightly suspicious of what could be a very subtle viral marketing campaign (Model endorsement? Check. Hipster endorsement? Check. Sense of danger provided by domestic violence? CHECK.), I'm willing to give it a shot as I think my teeth could use some polishing. Has anyone had experience with this new toothpaste solution?